“I’m so embarrassed.”
“I feel like everyone is looking at us.”
“I can’t control my child.”
“Back in my day, I would have never acted this way.”
If you’ve ever thought these things, I want you to know: you are not a bad parent!
Parenting is hard. And when your child is struggling in front of other people, it can feel even harder. Maybe your child is having a meltdown at the store. Maybe they’re yelling, refusing to leave, arguing, or shutting down. And while you’re trying to help your child, you’re also wondering: What are people thinking about me? Do they think I’m a bad parent?
Take a breath.
Your Child’s Behavior Does Not Define You
Your child’s behavior is not a report card on your parenting. Your child can have a loving parent and still struggle with behavior. They can know the rules and still have trouble following them. They can understand what you’re asking and still struggle to manage their emotions. Sometimes the behavior is telling us that a skill needs to be taught or practiced.
“But I Would Have Never Acted Like This.”
I hear this from parents all the time. “If I acted that way when I was growing up, there would have been consequences.”
Maybe that’s true. But your child isn’t you. They are growing up in a different time, with different experiences and challenges. Instead of only asking, “Why won’t my child behave?” Try asking: “What does my child need to learn?” If your child struggles with emotions, anxiety, ADHD, transitions, frustration, or communication, they may need help learning how to respond differently.
Look Beneath the Behavior
Behavior is communication. A child who screams may be saying, “This is too much.” A child who refuses may be saying, “I don’t know how to handle this.” A child who shuts down may be saying, “I don’t know what to say.” Understanding the behavior doesn’t mean allowing it. It means getting curious. What is happening? What does my child need? What skill do they need help learning?
You Can Have Boundaries and Compassion
You can understand your child’s feelings while still setting limits. You can say:
- “I know you’re angry. You still can’t hit.”
- “It’s okay to be upset. It’s not okay to speak to people that way.”
You can validate your child’s feelings without approving the behavior. When others are watching, remember: you don’t have to parent for an audience. Take a breath, stay as calm as you can, and get through the moment. You can talk about what happened once everyone is calm.
Give Yourself Some Grace
You can love your child and still feel frustrated. You can know your child is struggling and still feel overwhelmed. You can wish things were different and still be a good parent. Two things can be true at the same time. And if you’re feeling stuck or don’t know what to do, it’s okay to ask for help.
Therapy can help you understand your child’s behavior, learn new strategies, and figure out what works best for your family. Asking for help doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you don’t have to figure it out alone. Your child is still learning. And so are you.