“He knows what he’s supposed to do. He just chooses not to do it.”
“She does well at school. I don’t understand why not at home.”
“I have to tell him the same thing over and over again.”
“She’s just lazy and so messy.”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard parents of a child with ADHD say these words about their child. I hear and see the frustration, the feelings of exhaustion, and defeat. The kind of defeat that makes one question their own parenting skills and honestly? I get it.
Parenting a child with ADHD is challenging. The repeated reminders, the unfinished tasks, the step-by-step instructions, the micromanaging, the impulsive actions, the unpredictability at times, and the emotional reactions that seemingly do not match the magnitude of the situation can wear on even the most patient parent.
Looking Beyond the Behavior
For many children, ADHD affects executive functioning skills, meaning the mental skills to plan, organize, remember, start and complete tasks, manage time, regulate emotions, and manage everyday tasks and demands. Basically, some of the skills we have that we take for granted. To break it down, let’s look at this a little deeper:
- Planning and organizing — knowing what needs to be done, how to do it, prioritizing, and weighing options and consequences
- Remembering — remembering and using information taught and learned for a specific task
- Starting and completing tasks — maintaining focus and filtering distractions
- Time management — estimating how long things will take, being on time, and meeting deadlines
- Emotional regulation — managing negative emotions such as frustration, anger, sadness, disappointment, and embarrassment and being able to pause before acting, speaking, or responding
Executive functioning skills can look like laziness, defiance, lack of motivation, or irresponsibility. It’s essential that you not just accept these challenges but also focus on shifting your responses to your child.
So when your child doesn’t clean their room after you’ve asked a million times, the question isn’t always, “Why won’t they listen?” Sometimes the question is, “What is getting in the way of them following through?”
- Maybe they don’t know where to start.
- Maybe they’re struggling with identifying steps to complete the task and it feels overwhelming.
- Maybe the intent to complete the task is there, but they got distracted and forgot to return to the task.
- Maybe the task takes so much brain power that it feels like it’ll take longer than it really will.
- Maybe they are struggling with regulating their emotions while simultaneously completing the task.
Understanding the why doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be expectations or that your child is now incapable of success due to impaired executive functioning. It means you can respond to the behavior with greater understanding and patience.
Grace Doesn’t Mean No Accountability
Grace means giving yourself or someone else understanding, patience, and compassion, especially when mistakes, struggles, or imperfections are involved. For a child with ADHD, grace means understanding the struggle while still supporting growth.
Your child still needs to learn responsibility. They still need to do their homework. They still need to complete chores. They still need to complete daily routines in a timely fashion. They still need to learn how their actions impact themselves and others around them. However, accountability works a little differently when we understand what a child can do independently.
Instead of labeling your child’s ways as lazy or unmotivated, ask:
- What’s making it hard to get started?
- What support would help you get this done?
And instead of repeating the same instruction, which can turn into a yell, try breaking the instruction for the task into smaller steps. The task still needs to be completed. The steps implemented to support your child are just different.
Your Child May Be Frustrated Too
Imagine trying your hardest to complete a task, only to be told you failed or labeled with words that don’t reflect the effort you put in.
A child with ADHD may already know they are struggling but may not understand why. And when they repeatedly hear things like “You’re not trying,” “You never listen,” or “I just told you this two minutes ago,” those messages begin to shape how they see themselves over time.
Your Child is More Than Their ADHD
Behind the behavior is a child who is learning, growing, and navigating the world in a way that may require a different approach. ADHD doesn’t mean your child gets a free pass. It means they need a different path to get there.
So give your child ADHD grace. Because parenting a child with ADHD isn’t about getting everything right. It’s about learning what your child needs, adjusting when necessary, and continuing to show up.
When the “why” behind the child’s behavior is unclear, persistent, or concerning, seeking professional guidance can help identify what’s happening and provide the child and your family with the support needed.